Peace or Insanity

Natasha has now been out of the treatment program for almost two weeks now. Unfortunately the old habits are creeping back in. They kind of snuck in the back door and it started taking over again. Little habits like having an upset stomach every time that it was time to eat, hating every food item put in front of her, that kind of food avoidance. And then there was my revelation, (okay, so maybe it was me reading her journal but in all fairness it was on the table in my craft area) that she misses being thin. That she thinks she’s too fat and that is why a certain someone doesn’t like her.

Excuse me? Too fat? I’d like to hunt this boy down and force feed him my thoughts on body images in today’s society, but then it isn’t really that he did anything other than exist. It’s really Natasha using the food as a form of control over her life that seems otherwise.

What could that be at the tender age of 12.5? I have to get that half year in there because at that age it matters! Well, start with the fact that your parent’s don’t get along stirs up the emotions. Then tack on the fact that dad, whom she adores but is often angry, has had back pain for awhile and is choosing to have surgery for the herniated disc, scheduled for this Thursday. That’s two huge things she can’t control but feels strongly about. None of us girls know any of the details for this surgery. How it’s performed, where, by who, what time. Those details are shrouded in secrecy or perhaps some of the details haven’t been worked out yet. I imagine I’ll know on Thursday when it’s time to drive him there, as I imagine he won’t be driving himself.

Can I take much more? No. As I’ve pondered the why’s with God and gone over and over in my head the past few years of turmoil, I’m struck with the fact that I either have complete peace in God’s plan for my life or I have completely lost my mind. Given that I’m still functioning in society, I’m wondering if I really do have complete peace with God’s plan?

Have you been to the place where your prayers aren’t even complete thoughts or your unable to even put any words to the intense emotions you’re feeling? Perhaps when that occurs, there is a peace because things are bad enough already, and it can only get worse. Oh! I mean they can only get better! What I mean to explain is that life gets to the point where either direction it takes, one or the other, at least you move on. That’s the place I’m at in life, except the direction is unclear at this point.

For now I’ll work at getting that beautiful young girl to eat her meals at the scheduled times along with her equally beautiful sisters. I’ll start our little book study that they’re raising a fuss about doing. I’ll wait for the details of Thursday’s surgery and subsequent convalescing. I’ll pray for the peace of God that transcends all understanding. I’ll wait for a clear sign:)

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